If you live with me...

...you too may be forced to write such messages.

I must have gone to bed directly after putting a pizza in the oven. My roomate left the burned pizza on a plate next to the smoke detector he had to rip off my bedroom ceiling. I genuinely feel bad about this.

Now this is not the first time this has happened to me however. Once, when living alone, I put some french fries in the oven and passed out (drunk ofcourse) only to wake up in the morning wondering why it was so damn hot in my house. When I figured out that I had left the oven all night I checked out the fries and found them to be little charcoal sticks completely devoid of nutritional value. Luckily they didn't give off too much smoke since no detectors went off...

In all seriousness I guess I was lucky that no fire occured this night because had I needed to evacuate I would never have had a chance...now thats depressing.

Haze

I watched an interesting documentary last night called Haze. Basically it is about the tragic and completely avoidable "hazing" death of Gordie Bailey, a pledging fraternity brother who drank too much... you know the story. Anyway it got me thinking about how pervasive alcohol is in our social interactions and the suprising extent to which many of us have taken our drunkeness. I don't want to get into the philosophy or ethics or psychology of "partying" but I came up with a goddamn list and I think it's sadly funny:

My alcohol related statistics:




- 1 - # of times I've gotten arrested as a direct result of alcohol
- 1 - # of times I've had to get stitches as a direct result of alcohol
- 2 - # of 40's I can drink - easily.
- 5 - shots of Milagro I can drink before I "get crazy"
- 7 - # of stitchs I got after my communion with the cement
- 8 - # of Buschs I can competently put back and still function relatively normally
- 21 - age at which I nearly got alcohol poisoning (lets call it caloric shock)
- 30 - # of Buschs in a "cube" (can I get an amen Grant?)
- 365 - # of times I regretted doing something while drunk
- 450 - # of beers I'll drink this year
- 10,000 - # of dollars I'll spend on booze in the next 50 years



As you can see this is not a complete list nor is it completely accurate. For a more detailed and realistic survey come have a beer with me!!

Eat more...pills

Do you, like millions of Americans, suffer from a constant burning sensation in that dumpster you call a stomach? Do you toil at the thought of digesting that delectable and nutritious cheese steak that you so rightfully deserve? Do you sit around wishing that the burning noxious ether that has filled your chest would just go away so you could forget about the half dozen Twinkies you have horded down there? Well wish no more my friends because those hardworking altruists at Eisai Company, Ltd. have donated thousands of hours of their post-doctoral work to bring you a little relief. Relief from heartburn. Relief from guilt. And most notably relief from sounding respectable when you ask your doctor about...





That's right my friends...Aciphex.
Ask your doctor how "Ass Affects" can help cure your belly ache!